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Talk:Are You Afraid of Death?/@comment-24859608-20150706195655
Not bad, but the thing that ruined the story is two things. The first is that you keep trying to sound smart by talking in a deep way as if it makes you seem...more mature. Your not talking how people realistically talk in these times, especially in the first paragraph. Instead of setting a setting or theme at all, you don't even tell a story, and go on to explain...death. As if we did not know that death was the end of a life, and it is percieved differently, kindergardners know that. The issue though, as said before, is that you don't tell it like a story but like a documentary almost and then go on to tell a story. The second and big one that you missed was character and story development. Where does Harry live? How does he know that this is everyone's sealed fate? How did he just randomly know this would happen to everyone without any sort of research, journey, or what not? More importantly: Who is this harry guy anyway? What was his mom's name? Why was their no exchange of eulogies at the funeral(Hence quotation marks)? Is Harry a good guy or a Bad Guy? Here's a huge question that I think you missed: How in the world does the narrator know this happened to Harry without experiencing it himself, why is he telling me that I will wish it was lights out? Everyone percieves death differently right? So it should mean that everyone accepts life after death differently as well, some may love it some may hate it. Not only that, similar things happen in Bhudism is a religion where when people reach nirvanna, similar things happen like in this story, but it's pleasant and peaceful. No more hunger, no more noise and commotion, just peace and quiet forever, some people would enjoy that if their fate says it does? Now there's some other minor flaws in your story that contribute to it not being one that I was either hooked on reading or even remotely creeped out. You definitely had not enough character development or traits that will either get us to love or hate Harry at first, and either feel bad or bid goodbye...I wasn't hooked to him, he sounds like a scared 10 year old who never talks is what he seems like. And why so gory too, gory can actually be really visual, but I had an extremely hard time imagining what happened to Harry exactly, because you used too big words too broadly making it sound like you rushed this. Read over your pasta, each paragraph, write 3 times, altered versions, make sure it's telling a story and that your characters have at least minimal dialogue and behavior traits that can get us really interested. And hey, just a tip, you don't need to give all the traits of your person right off the bat, but give the protagonist something to do so we can learn for our selves how he acts, and don't be so gory. Overall, would be a decent pasta, if I was actually lured into the story or creeped out, but even with that included, it still wouldn't be the best, try harder.